Phideaux, Spider-Ted and Doctor Snapclaw (not his unpronounceable real name, but what Phideaux called him) were in a shuttle heading for a regional conference. Since joining the Galacticum science directorate and being assigned to UX-442 (out on the far edge of Galacticum space), this would be Phideaux's first time going to a conference. He was to give a talk about utilizing natural fibers found on UX-442.
The shuttle shuddered as it was abruptly pulled out of FTL. The three occupants all turned their gaze outward to see a large and heavily armed ship appear above them. "Cloaked" said Spider-Ted. "Military or a pirate with friends in high places. I don't recognize-" A tractor beam clamped on their shuttle and started pulling it in to the bigger ship's docking bay.
"Can you recognize anything, Snapclaw?" Spider-Ted asked, as they were pulled closer. "This ship has no markings I can see." Snapclaw replied "We'll have to wait until we get closer, I expect."
"Closer" didn't take long, and Snapclaw recognized the species that was roiling around the docking bay as Cuckassians of the Cuckassian Conglomerate. The Conglomerate was made up of a small group of systems abutting the Galacticum outward of UX-442. They were antagonistic toward the Galacticum, but not as technologically advanced.
"Phideaux, get into the storage locker. Their systems may not detect your physiology and you can come out later if there's trouble." Spider-Ted said, as their shuttle was pulled into the hangar. "What am I supposed to do, Ted?" Phideaux asked "there're a lot of troops out there." "Oh, Phideaux," Spider-Ted gave a spider-smile "just be yourself."
Meet the neighbors
The shuttle was anchored by deckhands and the back ramp opened from the outside. Waiting beyond the ramp was an older Cuckassian, surrounded by dozens of armed military-age Cuckassians.
The older man spoke: "I am Colonel Lieu Z'zur of the Cuckassian Conglomerate. You are the arachnidian Tkkt'tk'tk'tk't't't'tk'tk, director of the science facility on Galacticum designation UX-442." The colonel turned to look at Doc Snapclaw "You are excess baggage."
He turned back toward Spider-Ted "Conglomerate intelligence has been monitoring UX-442 and over the past few months and it appears you have reached a new stage in your mission. Very strange occurrences have been reported by those who've visited and our long range scans have corroborated some of these observations. Based on the information we've gathered, we can only assume you've been working on a clandestine weapons program, and that you've brought at least one working prototype online."
Spider-Ted and Doc Snapclaw looked at each other in confusion. "Oh, drop the act, gentlemen" Colonel Z'zur snapped "We will soon get to the bottom of the mystery. Take them to interrogation!" Armed troops entered the shuttle and roughly dragged the two scientists out.
Contents under pressure
Phideaux was standing in the cramped storage locker when two soldiers entered the shuttle. They started rummaging through the compartments, starting near the ramp. "Those two won't be needing any of this stuff." one said to the other. "Man, we're the first to the loot! Good for us!" said the other.
Phideaux was happy to hear them speak. He'd not have to worry about "giving second chances" this time; no holding back so as not to cause injury. The nearest soldier had turned to the storage locker and barely registered the odd hole pattern appearing in the door before he stopped registering anything at all. Phideaux twirled the metalloy door on one finger, slicing the head off the second soldier before he could raise the alarm.
Phideaux moved to the end of the cabin, crumpling up the center of the locker door so he could get a good grip on it, leaving metal "wings" on either end. Holding it in one hand, he left the shuttle and headed for the nearest hatchway leading out of the hangar bay. He didn't get two steps before he was seen by a soldier and the alarm raised.
Immediately, the two dozen soldiers in the hangar bay rushed toward him, unlimbering their weapons. They all exhibited good training by grouping up to fire at Phideaux (instead of encircling him). Their weapons fire only served to perforate Phideaux's SocialSuit and coveralls and redden his epidermis.
Phideaux advanced toward the group, holding an arm over his eyes and when he got within a couple of meters, lunged forward holding his "boat oar" horizontally knocking the group apart. As the soldiers proceeded to regain their footing, Phideaux remembered his Scout trip all those years ago to a Terran Marine "Scout day" where he'd learned the basics of the pugil stick and commenced to demonstrating the art of the bayonet upon them. As he was using a makeshift weapon, it was an ugly demonstration.
Interrogation interrupted
"Sir! There's a thing in the hangar bay! We can't subdue him!" A frantic voice erupted from Colonel Z'zur's wrist comm. He was in the ship's interrogation room and Spider-Ted and Dr. Snapclaw were bound into interrogation cradles against the far bulkhead. The colonel turned to the observation wall and queued a feed from the hangar bay on it. The display showed Phideaux jumping around cleaving soldiers into pieces with his makeshift staff.
"Oh wow! He's using a weapon!" Dr. Snapclaw blurted out. "Are you recording this, Colonel? We always learn something new when we take this guy places."
"What?! What the fuck are you talking about?" the Colonel snapped "of course it's being recorded - all video input on this ship gets recorded." "Great!" said Dr. Snapclaw "Neither of us have ever seen him pick up a weapon, much less use one!"
"You know this thing?" Colonel Z'zur asked focusing on the aquatic arthropodian "What is it? How do I stop it?" Spider-Ted interjected: "Colonel, you expressed a desire to learn about our "clandestine weapons project"; you are looking at the project leader there in your hangar bay." "What?!" the Colonel was having a hard time reconciling what was happening. "What is this thing? Why is it killing my men?" Dr. Snapclaw blurted out "That's a tyranosapiens terranus horrificus." Now that was a fact the Colonel was familiar with. "You mean that's one of your new 'fairy tale' species?" "Indeed, Colonel and I must ask" Snapclaw asked "how many soldiers do you have on this ship?"
On the screen, the hangar bay deck was impossible to see for all the body parts and fluids. Phideaux - his clothing even more tattered than before - was still dancing around, killing all attackers.
"Get the riot squads to the hangar bay!" Z'zur ordered into his comm unit "How many, sir?" a voice replied. "All of them! Now!" the Colonel immediately barked.
On the screen, a couple of soldiers in riot armor could be seen entering the hangar bay. Phideaux saw them, and inexplicably stomped on ends of his metalloy tool. He then grabbed the ends and twisted them into points, all while avoiding attempts to close on him.
"What's he doing now?" whispered Snapclaw to Spider-Ted. "Let us be patient and we'll find out." replied Spider-Ted.
And so it was revealed, as they watched Phideaux - as quick as a Denevian death rattler - lunged & plunged the sharp end of his pole under the helmet of the nearest riot trooper. Yanking it free, he quickly pivoted and struck an approaching riot guard in the helmet with such force the trooper's head came off. Unfortunately, this bent the sharp end of Phideaux's staff, so he changed tactics.
Using the next couple of riot trooper's armor as impromptu anvils, Phideaux twisted the bent end of his staff into a hook. He then was seen hooking troopers by their necks, pulling them toward him where he'd administer an elbow or knee strike to their heads, snapping them off against the hook. "The guys back at the office would never believe us, so I'm glad this is being recorded" Dr. Snapclaw could not contain his ebullience at being a firsthand witness to a human creating & using weapons. "What are you nattering about?!" the Colonel snapped "Do you actually think you have a chance of escape? Look at your creature!"
The 'hook and snap' tactic was not very efficient and the riot troopers had managed to pile on to Phideaux and bring him down. The massive pile of troopers got bigger as more riot troops entered the hangar bay.
Suddenly, the troopers toward the top of the pile started flinging themselves away, coughing and gagging and staggering more and more slowly until they fell down. Strangely, as the troopers sprang from the pile Colonel Z'zur could see the troopers toward the bottom of the pile were melting into the deckplates or the deckplates were melting and swallowing them (it was hard to tell from the camera angle). In any event, all the riot troopers were now dead or incapacitated. Phideaux sat up and looked around.
"Go Phideaux!" Snapclaw blurted. Colonel Z'zur gave Snapclaw a furious glance and keyed his comm unit. "How many sets of power armor do we have? Get them all filled and send them into the hangar bay! Now!" "Yes, sir!" a voice replied tinnily. "What just happened? What happened to my men?!" the colonel queried his two prisoners. "It's hard to tell from here" said Spider-Ted with a spider-smile "but I'm sure when the project leader gets here, he can tell you all about it."
Spider-Ted continued "He's a pretty reasonable sentient. I'm sure if you let us go and allow us to fly off, he'd stop killing your people. You see 'what he wants' is 'us, away from you'." "Shut your mouth, Galacticum scum!" the Colonel seethed "We're about to roll over this thing of yours."
Figures in power armor could be seen slowly entering the hangar bay. The armored soldiers were keeping their distance from Phideaux, who was just standing in the middle of the bay. They carefully walked around the entire space evaluating the situation, all the while at least two soldiers keeping watch on Phideaux. The colonel's comm unit went live: ✱✱SQSSHHK✱✱ Sir, one target present. Our suit sensors are picking up 130 inactive identitags in this mess on the deck and there's a meter hole in the deck, open to the next level. Please advise." ✱✱SQSHKK✱✱ "KILL THAT THING!" the Colonel shouted.
In the hangar bay, the eight armored troopers played "low number" over their comm channel, and the 'winner' approached Phideaux cautiously. Phideaux reached down, picked up a riot baton, charged it and - quicker than could be seen - had closed with the trooper and struck him with the baton. No effect was seen, as Phideaux danced out of reach. Phideux kept jumping around keeping as close an eye on all the troopers as he could when he knelt down and picked up a rifle, which he immediately put to use against the 'lucky' trooper. The energy beams scoured clean spots in the power armor, but did not penetrate it. Phideaux threw the rifle at 'lucky', where it shattered on the armor. "I'll never forget this day! I saw a human use a gun with intent!" Doc Snapclaw was having way too much fun, watching the display.
"We've got him now!" the Colonel gloated. "Quit fucking around and KILL IT!". While the Cuckassian power armor wasn't anywhere close to Terran power armor, it still had two things going for it: it had an internal radio system and employed servomechanisms to enhance the operator's natural strength. The armored troops coordinated their movements and started closing in on Phideaux.
Phideaux was also on the move, zigging and zagging in a manner calculated to keep him out of reach of the circling troopers. He moved into an area with large containers, so the trooper's movements would be constrained. 'Lucky' was the first to follow him, and Phideaux - quick as a startled felinoid - jumped past while inserting a riot baton between 'lucky's' armored legs. A little twist from Phideaux and 'lucky' was on his face. Phideaux was then seen standing squarely on 'lucky's' backplate, pulling both powered arms backwards past their operating parameters (faintly, screaming servos & a screaming soldier could be heard). POP One of the arms had snapped off (along with the soldier's arm inside). Phideaux quickly grabbed each end of the severed arm, slotted it around 'lucky's' armored helm and used the armored "V" to pop 'lucky's' helm (and head) right off.
"I'm not sure I can take any more of this, Spider-Ted." Doc Snapclaw was almost orgasmic over what he was witnessing.
Phideaux easily jumped on top of a nearby container and crouched down to suss out the situation. After a few moments, he blurred out of view to appear halfway across the hangar bay, impacting an armored trooper with both feet. The trooper went down, and shortly afterward had lost his head, too.
The remaining troopers all rushed Phideaux, their movements amplified by their armor's servos and jinky enough to keep Phideaux on the defensive. The troopers jerked around but remained positioned so Phideaux had nowhere to go but toward the inner bulkhead. As Phideaux's leading foot touched the bulkhead he jumped up on the nearest armored figure when a bright spark shot from the trooper's shoulder pauldron to Phideaux's foot, throwing Phideaux out of step. The trooper immediately grabbed him in a bear hug, while the other troopers gathered around to grab hold of Phideaux where they could.
"Spider-Ted, where's the other trooper?" asked Doc Snapclaw quietly.
From the display, the sounds of a shuttle's maneuvering thrusters could be heard and then WHOOM. The whole ship shook. The display showed an assault shuttle had smashed into the bulkhead where Phideaux and his captors had been standing. ✱✱SQSSHHK✱✱ Colonel Z'zur. Target terminated. Send medical personnel. ✱✱SCSHCK✱✱
"Now we'll see what you'll tell me" Colonel Z'zur said to his captives. He queued his comm unit "Hangar bay! Status!" "Sir, Corpsman Leidt here. We've got two living troopers." A faint metallic scraping sound could be heard. "One has suffered major crush injuries and is being extricated for evac." The metallic noise had increased in volume. "The unknown sentient has been - OH SHIT" The display was now echoing the infernal scraping noise they could all feel through the deckplates as it showed the medical personnel evacuating as quickly as they could move. "Hangar bay!" Colonel Z'zur yelled "What is happening!" On the display, the assault shuttle was being pushed away from the bulkhead, accompanied by a hellish grinding. In the widening gap could be seen Phideaux - veins popping - pushing the assault shuttle with his legs.
✱✱SQSSHHK✱✱ Colonel, the subject is still active! He has been injured! His left side appears to have been caught by the shuttle impact. He's just standing there. Please advise ✱✱SQSSHHK✱✱
The display showed that Phideaux had not remained unscathed by the shuttle. The left side of his head was missing clumps of hair and part of his auricular horn, his left torso had multiple bones sticking out through the skin and his left arm had been crushed and was hanging loosely by the skin.
In the deep doodoo
Spider-Ted spoke up "Colonel Z'zer, please. I ask as one sentient to another; please allow us to get into a rescue suit or escape pod at this time. You can tether us to the ship if you like." Colonel Z'zur looked at Spider-Ted as if he'd grown eight more legs on the spot and asked "Now why would I do something like that?"
Spider-Ted continued: "Do you recall your 'fairy tales'? Specifically, the part where critically injured Terrans become the most dangerous creatures known? Your men have just critically injured Phideaux and we'd much rather be off this ship until one of you finishes the current business."
"You must think I'm an imbecile." Colonel Z'zur said "There's no way that thing is gonna make it 5 steps in the condition he's in."
Colonel Z'zur keyed his mike and ordered "Kill it." Spider-Ted and Doc Snapclaw could only watch as the remaining armored trooper advanced toward Phideaux, who was still just standing there.
In the interrogation room, all eyes were on the screen. They watched as the trooper was within a hand's distance of Phideaux, and then they saw Phideaux buckle at the waist.
They watched the trooper take a couple of shaky steps back and fall down, exposing a breastplate from one of the crushed soldiers sticking out of his chest. Of Phideaux there was no sign.
The assault shuttle's antigravs kicked in and it slowly began floating toward the inner corner of the hangar bay. As it reached the corner, its upper hatch opened and the barrel of a crew served heavy laser poked out and began firing. The firing arc opened up a large hole in the ceiling of the hangar bay. Three rifles were thrown from the assault shuttle up into the next deck, followed by a strange zigzagging neon blur.
Colonel Z'zur flipped through the feeds, looking for the corridor above the hangar bay. He finally found it and started cycling through all the feeds from that deck, finally discovering Phideaux resolutely plodding aft down the corridor. Phideaux had apparently spent his time in the assault shuttle with the medkit. Neon medifoam secured his left arm to his torso, and tight trauma bindings encircled both. Phideaux had two rifles slung over his right shoulder and one in hand. Any ship's personnel who were unlucky enough to be seen by Phideaux were shot unceremoniously.
On the display, Phideaux had reached main engineering. He went in and efficiently shot everyone inside. On the closest console, he called up some information and slowly looked around the engine room before moving toward a section in back. In front of a panel, Phideaux keyed the controls but nothing happened. He reached toward a panel edge, got his fingers underneath and ripped the panel away from the bulkhead. Inside were rods of various colors, lengths and diameters all inserted into a lattice. "What is he doing?" Colonel Z'zur muttered to himself.
Phideaux stood in front of the cylinder matrix and after giving it a once-over, started removing cylinders and dropping them on the deck.
A shudder was felt throughout the ship. "Colonel, this is the captain. We just lost FTL. What's going on down there?" Z'zur's comm unit squawked. "Now we've lost cloak! Z'zur WHAT IS GOING ON?" Z'zur silenced his comm unit as he watched Phideaux continue disabling the ship's systems. Spider-Ted and Doc Snapclaw watched as the display turned to the static of an empty channel.
"You guys think your man's still in a reasonable mood?" Colonel Z'zur asked the two scientists "Maybe we can talk him out of destroying the ship? Ha ha ha ha" The Colonel left the interrogation room to return a few minutes later wearing a tank on his back. In the Colonel's hand was a spray head that was connected to the tank. "I've got an acid sprayer. That's sure to kill the thing off" Z'zur muttered to himself.
A few minutes later, Phideaux walked through the door of the interrogation room. Before he could react, Colonel Z'zur had liberally doused him with the acid, starting with his head. A primal scream of pain and rage came out of Phideaux as the acid burned his skin & eyes and dissolved his medical dressings and what was left of his clothes.
As the smoke from the dissolving matter dispersed, Phideaux was revealed au natural. His eyes had swollen shut and were lacrimating heavily. He stood, silently, moving his head in odd motions. He then took a step and repeated the head movements. A third step into the room, and more odd head movements. The colonel shifted his weight nervously, coaxing a rustle from his uniform.
A blur & a clanking heralded the end of Colonel Z'zur. Phideaux had leapt on him and ripped his throat out with his teeth. Spider-Ted and Doc Snapclaw realized that Phideaux was drinking Z'zur's blood "So thirsty" mumbled Phideaux.
"Phideaux?" Spider-Ted said softly. "Yes, Ted?" Phideaux responded. "Can you free us?" Phideaux paused from his refreshments and did so.
"What do we do now, Phideaux?" Spider-Ted asked. "You guys pick up a rifle and lead me to the nearest medbay. I can't see too well right now. I'll brief you on the way." The two scientists armed up and walked to the hatch. "Hold up, I'm bringing my drink." Phideaux lifted Z'zur's corpse with ease and joined them. They were unmolested on their journey to the medbay.
In the medbay, Phideaux ordered "Close the hatch and spray that acid where the door meets the frame. I don't want anyone coming in here. I've disabled everything on the ship but life support. I routed a 'mayday' call on all frequencies at max power through life support so nobody's gonna turn it off. I destroyed all the system control rods so nobody's fixing anything. A Galacticum patrol oughta be here pretty quick, wot with a Cuckassian mayday going off inside the border. Now put me in a rejuvi-pod and don't have too much fun while I'm asleep."
Doc Snapclaw tentatively asked "Before you slumber, Phideaux, why didn't the acid harm you?" "Acid? On Terra, we drink that stuff for breakfast."
Aftermath
A Galacticum cruiser showed up within hours. They placed what was left of the Cuckassian crew into their brig without incident. The cruiser crewmembers who witnessed the carnage Phideaux had left behind had to be sedated. A Lab 31 spook holonetted in and classified the whole incident.
Phideaux woke up back on UX-442 two weeks later, completely healed. He didn't remember leaving for the conference. He would never recall the lost time.
In light of Phideaux's inability to remember, Doc Snapclaw decided that he would be happy just remembering what he had witnessed and no research papers need be published. Spider-Ted added a new recording to his collection of "strange occurrences" and - once again - reminded himself: "Humans are our friends."
